Guilt

This is a picture of my mom and the love of her life Chris.

Friday was a complete blur as was most of the weekend. My Mom called me on Friday to let me know that her boyfriend Chris has taken a turn for the worse. He was involved in a motorcycle accident while on the way to visit my mom about 6 weeks ago. From the accident he received a Traumatic Brain Injury inwhich he was only given a 10% chance of survival. On Thursday evening, his health started to deteriorate quickly. The prognosis was given that he didn't have much time left. He would pass soon.

When my mom told me the news, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The air was sucked out of me. We all have remained hopeful that Chris would make it out of this. If anyone could do it, it would be Chris. I rushed down to the facility that he was taken to, to find my mom broken. My mom had always remained hopeful that he would regain consciousness and they would go on with their lives. I knew by the look on her face that the hopefulness that she has always held onto was gone. It broke my heart.

My mom has always been a good person and was always willing to put others before herself. She was the life of the party and everyone always gravitated towards her. Her smile was infectious and she was my best friend. All of that is gone now. She is not the same and I wonder if she will ever be the same. I worry that Chris' imminent passisng will spin her into a deep depression. Both S and I have decided that my mom will come and live with us for a while. I think it is best that way.

Now let me get on to the guilt part. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt right now and it is eating me alive. Up until Friday, I have never been in to see Chris. I will go to the hospital and sit in the ICU waiting room and keep my mom company, but I never went in to see him. I couldn't. I am an extremely emotional person (that's the Cancer in me) and I have a hard time seeing people suffering.

On Friday I decided to go in and visit him and pay my last respects. The walk to his room was the longest walk I have ever taken. I stood at the door and watched. I saw my mom sitting by his bed, stroking him lovingly and talking to him. Telling him how much she loved him and what a special gift he was to her. She told him that she would watch over his grown daughter and that everything would be ok. She would be ok and it was ok for him to go. My heart broke. I hated seeing my mom like that. I decided to enter and then reality sunk in. In a few days Chris will be gone. It ruined the mental picture I had of him. This tough ex Sheriff that was fit and full of life. That is all gone. It is now forever replaced with the image of someone I didn't recognize. He was thin, frail and had lost his coloring. I instantly felt ill and bolted out of the room.

Who does that? I couldn't even keep it together long enough to say something to him. I couldn't be strong enough to comfort my mom when she was in so much pain and needed me. I feel terrible. My mom needs me and I am a complete mess.