In Memory of Chris

Yesterday was the memorial for my mom's boyfriend Chris. It was an extremely emotional day and I am still exhausted, so I am keeping this entry short. Here is a beautiful picture of my mom and her love Chris. They were vacationing in Hawaii and he picked the beautiful flower for my mom that is in her hair. My Last Ride

My hands are clenched around chrome bars

the engine's rumble sounds so sweet.

I twist the throttle with my palm

and roar off down the street.

The slapping of my leather

and raging winds on either side,

drum a beat of sweet contentment

as I ride this ..... my last ride.

Alone on my tin pony,

to the heaven's I've been called,

but fret not my dear loved ones,

I'm not lonely here at all.

The speedometer is just a blur

as tears blow from my eyes,

the bike and I roll forward off

into the calling skies.

I hope I touched your lives one day,

and left a treasured mark,

now I'll ride on FOREVER,

with your memory in my heart.

Exhausted

I am exhausted to say the least. The last couple of days have been filled with lots of hugs, kisses, memories and of course many, many tears.

On Thursday my mom came to stay with me. It has been an extremely rough couple of days. Friday we had an appointment with a lawyer, to get my mom affairs in order .... living will, medical power of attorney, etc. I guess when a tragedy hits close to home, it makes you re-evaluate your own life. My mom is seeing what Chris' daughter Summer is going through, because he didn't have a will and she doesn't want my brother and I to have to deal with the same thing. The appointment went well, but ended up in tears. We spent the rest of day collecting pictures of Chris to put on tables at the memorial and also for the slideshow that will run during the luncheon. We had copies made of all the pictures and bought frames for all of them. That project ended in tears.

The rest of the weekend we spent shopping. Ugh! Normally I love to shop, but considering that we were shopping for dresses to wear to a memorial, it seemed like such a chore. It is really hard to find a dress when your looking for one. My mom was dead set against wearing black, so I found the most perfect lavendar dress for her to wear. She looks amazing in it. Absolutely beautiful.

Tomorrow is the day of the memorial and I have a pit in my stomach already. I know it is going to be a very emotional day and I hate seeing my mom so upset. It hurts deep. There should be about 300 attendees, so that goes to show how well loved Chris was. I just hope my mom can make it through it.

The Dreaded Call

You know what call I am talking about. The one that you know is coming and every time the phone rings you jump a little. The one that you think if you do not answer the phone than it never happened. I received that dreaded call today.

My phone rang about 12:00 noon and I saw it was my mom. I figured it was another status update on Chris, but I was wrong. I could tell by the way that my mom said my name, that something was wrong. Seriously wrong. The Doctor had been in and Chris' daughter Summer, had made the decision to take him off the oxygen and feeding so that it would speed up the process of him passing. I couldn't even begin to imagine having to make a decision like that. My heart broke for her. My mom than began to tell me that the process of his passing could take from one hour to many hours. They just don't know. My mom then told me she needed me to come and she began to sob uncontrollably.

I began to fall apart, but I knew I needed to pull myself together. My mom needed me more than anything right now and I had to be strong for her.

When I finally got to the facility, my mom was like a lost soul. It was so sad to see this vibrant, happy go lucky person turn into this shell of a person. She came to me and almost collapsed in my arms. She than began to sob. I started to hold her close and stroke her hair. I remember her doing that to me when I was younger. I felt like the roles had been reversed. I was the parent and she was my child. I wanted to protect her and shield her from and hurt, but it was too late. The realization had set in. This is the end. Chris wasn't going to wake up.

The immediate family went into his room to be with him for his final hours. His pulse and heart began to slow and within a short period of time he was gone. Just like that, his struggle had ended. It was peaceful and he took his last breath with those he loved most by his side.

Now I am home and I am scared. I am scared for my lost soul of a mom. She is drowning in pain and regret. She blames herself.... "You know this would have never happened if he wasn't on his way to see me" she says.

Guilt

This is a picture of my mom and the love of her life Chris.

Friday was a complete blur as was most of the weekend. My Mom called me on Friday to let me know that her boyfriend Chris has taken a turn for the worse. He was involved in a motorcycle accident while on the way to visit my mom about 6 weeks ago. From the accident he received a Traumatic Brain Injury inwhich he was only given a 10% chance of survival. On Thursday evening, his health started to deteriorate quickly. The prognosis was given that he didn't have much time left. He would pass soon.

When my mom told me the news, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The air was sucked out of me. We all have remained hopeful that Chris would make it out of this. If anyone could do it, it would be Chris. I rushed down to the facility that he was taken to, to find my mom broken. My mom had always remained hopeful that he would regain consciousness and they would go on with their lives. I knew by the look on her face that the hopefulness that she has always held onto was gone. It broke my heart.

My mom has always been a good person and was always willing to put others before herself. She was the life of the party and everyone always gravitated towards her. Her smile was infectious and she was my best friend. All of that is gone now. She is not the same and I wonder if she will ever be the same. I worry that Chris' imminent passisng will spin her into a deep depression. Both S and I have decided that my mom will come and live with us for a while. I think it is best that way.

Now let me get on to the guilt part. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt right now and it is eating me alive. Up until Friday, I have never been in to see Chris. I will go to the hospital and sit in the ICU waiting room and keep my mom company, but I never went in to see him. I couldn't. I am an extremely emotional person (that's the Cancer in me) and I have a hard time seeing people suffering.

On Friday I decided to go in and visit him and pay my last respects. The walk to his room was the longest walk I have ever taken. I stood at the door and watched. I saw my mom sitting by his bed, stroking him lovingly and talking to him. Telling him how much she loved him and what a special gift he was to her. She told him that she would watch over his grown daughter and that everything would be ok. She would be ok and it was ok for him to go. My heart broke. I hated seeing my mom like that. I decided to enter and then reality sunk in. In a few days Chris will be gone. It ruined the mental picture I had of him. This tough ex Sheriff that was fit and full of life. That is all gone. It is now forever replaced with the image of someone I didn't recognize. He was thin, frail and had lost his coloring. I instantly felt ill and bolted out of the room.

Who does that? I couldn't even keep it together long enough to say something to him. I couldn't be strong enough to comfort my mom when she was in so much pain and needed me. I feel terrible. My mom needs me and I am a complete mess.